My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
How does one acquire holy water?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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