Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
