And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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