just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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