I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
