So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Randomize
