Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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