i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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