The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Drake has all the answers
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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