i think i recognize dicks better than faces
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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