I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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