i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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