you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
NoShamevember. You game?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
