I am in a vortex of obligation.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
