I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
