My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
