One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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