I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
