My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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