We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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