i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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