You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Randomize
