I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
