ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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