first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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