Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Randomize
