Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
