moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
Randomize
