I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize