mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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