If i come over, it means nothing
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
