i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
