I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize