Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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