After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
3 2 1 whiskey
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
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