Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Randomize
