and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Randomize
