so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
That was before I lit my hair on fire
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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