Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
