i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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