Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
