Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
