I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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