so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
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