Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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