these pics are all outta focus - was this what the camera saw? or what your eyes saw?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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