Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
