god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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