Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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