She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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