DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
this will be a night to untag.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
