As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
