you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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