just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Randomize
