My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Randomize
