the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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