My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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