I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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