My boss' voice literally gives me gas
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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