mondays should just be called national damage control day
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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