I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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