This is not my ceiling
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
