So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
not ubering you a puppy
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
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