M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
