Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
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