What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
