omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Randomize
