I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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