im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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